Laziness in a Pandemic

A lot of  failures are completely my fault. 

Why can't I comprehend that I am the reason for my shortcomings?

Different self-help books, social media...all make sense of why this would drive a  motive to become active and get one's life in order, though I can't get over the initial hill of accepting the blame. I can't look at the responsibility. That hasn't been enough o answer the call-to-action. 

I have the instinct of inaction, numbing myself with distractions long enough to forgot about it, or think on different subjects, easing into the justifications that don't involve me. Let the external sources be the drivers, and that way I can feel better.

That, or go get some ice cream. 

I've failed my writing. I disguised it with the need to text faster, or write neater, or getting the skills to get a real job. Hell, I've convinced myself to be bum it out because I'm tired from a job in retail. 

I am hella tired; though that's not good enough. 

I could wake up years from now, still blaming myself for my problems because I'm tired, ignoring how tired people get shit done all the time. Let themselves live their ambition. Find ways to get the energy to continue onto greatness, then allowing themselves time to relax and reflect. 

I've chosen sleep. 

I've been here before, but I choose to forgo sleep, building on different skill sets that served me to some degree. I find myself in the present moment worse off, looking at bigger (unhealthier) self with a PT job at a place that has treated me better then the corporate position I held for the last seven years. 

I have 18 more credits left in my grad program. I desperately need to complete that to complete my career transition. I also need the skills the program has failed to grant me, which I must acquire on my own. I worry about that tuition payment and actually passing those courses with B's. 

First, I need money. Second, I need the study skills to get those grades up.

Money seems to be the harder of the two. I need to prioritize my spending to afford it, and I have...three PT paychecks to pay the $2000 cost. 

The last two classes I've had convinced me that my study habits I currently have are insufficient, at least for the grades that I need to passed the program. 

The challenge is to round up the moment. The extended challenge is to get that funding with my writing, so...

Here's to 2020, and getting my life back together.