Rosie’s Her Real Name
Nobody tells you how to grow old- there’s no manual or any examples with all the details you need. It just happens. You have to figure out how to deal with it. I had a pretty, good plan- no, a great plan. I had a flawless plan on how to age well, but perfect doesn’t really exist. I couldn’t plan for everything that happened.
Tuesday- it’s a random Tuesday since I’ve retired. The stew I mix in front of me bubbles. I’m not sure what that means. Maybe it’s too hot, or maybe it should be bubbling. I haven’t received much instruction, but it’s been like that since I got here- not this morning, but since I started volunteering. There’s a smell I don’t quite understand. For some reason, I do the unthinkable and try some.
Whatever flavor was there, it’s gone now, watered down to probably make it more consumable. I put the spoon back down and now see a brown tint in streaks of the pot, and for a moment I realize why the world puts so much sugar in everything.
“How are you managing up here, Sal?”
The volunteer supervisor, Sally, stands in front of me. She’s probably the same age as me, hair just as grey, but maybe a little younger. I can see the old traces of cute, and she’s in good shape. Still, I hide my disgust, looking up with a smile.
“Things are good.”
“Excellent. You call me if you need anything.”
“Will do.”
She says something over her shoulder as she walks away.
“What was that?”
“Oh.” She turns “I said, ‘Even if you don’t.’ Even if you don’t need anything. I was just joshing.”
“Oh, okay.” I should have left the mystery alone. She winks at me before walking away, hinting that she was not joshing.
#
The third day I was accommodated; although, I don’t understand the constancy of the stew. The lines of brown are discouraging.
I spoon some on the tray of the man in front of me, and he gives me a nod when I finish. He’s one of the nice ones, and probably has been homeless for a while. It’s what I’ve picked up over the last two days. The grateful ones know their lives, happy for every meal; while the fresh ones tend to remember their past too fondly, thinking on the meals they use to pay for.
“Bunch of ingrates, am I right?” Sally whispers when the man walks away. “They should be thankful for us- this place.”
“I think they are, but I don’t know-” I lift up a spoonful of the mysterious stew. “I don’t even know what this is.”
“It’s a vegetable soup. Healthy, full of greens and protein.”
“Oh. That’s why it’s green.”
“Yes, that’s why it’s green.”
Staring at it, I look for the courage to taste it again. I don’t find it.
“Have you tried it?”
Sally walks away, looking for something.
“Have you tried any of this before?”
A door closes. I realize that she heard me, and she answered with the door.
My shift ends. I sit in my car, just for a minute, wondering what to do. I could go fishing, like I did on Tuesday. I loved it when I was in Ohio, and with the weather here, it should have been easier to enjoy. Beer has always been a part of the equation, but this time I went from sipping to chugging. I was getting drunk in the ocean by myself. I had to sleep it off before I could go back to shore.
I tried again yesterday without the beer, but that was worse. Driving out, I got obsessed about the music. My phone was full of oldies that…that I didn’t want to listen to anymore. When I finally figured out how to do it, I thought I would be more excited, but I just ended up cruising in silence.
It was just me, the waves, a loud engine that I paid too much money for, and the Gulf of Mexico. The water was a little choppy. I waved to a passing boat, then thought about all the fish I’m not going to catch. Eventually, I stall the engine, and sit there, looking at my new rod. I don’t touch it, blaming the rod for no fish taking the bait. It could be me, adjusting to the salt water. I take out my phone, on an impulse, but it’s too late now. I slide it back in my pocket.
This is where I should toss out the anchor, but I don’t. I just lay down. The boat drifts, my mind doing the same. I wander to the realization that I didn’t put sunscreen on. I totally forget, but I don’t care. I look to the sky, which reflects the endless water surrounding me.
A knock moves me from my maze.
#
Sally stands there. I lower the window.
“Caught you day dreaming, didn’t I?”
“You sure did.”
“So hey, I was thinking, maybe we could hang outside of the soup kitchen.” She waits for a response, but I don’t have one. “Something simple. I can show you around a little bit, maybe introduce you to my bridge class.”
“Oh, I was planning on going fishing today.” Which was true. “But maybe later in the week.”
“That sounds good. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
She waves as I put up the window. I wave back, then turn on the car. I don’t know where to go. Does it matter? It doesn’t matter. The car runs, and I sit there. Home is the answer, but I don’t know. There’s nothing for me there either. I don’t have a plan, so I head to Route 41. Tamiami Trail- the time warp of Fort Myers, sending you past the same plaza, playing reruns over and over again.
In the distance, a giant, neon sign sticks out. It’s the only landmark I’ve found so far, and it tells me that I’m halfway home. I never looked at it as more than a landmark before, but today, it has a bit of appeal. Odd enough, I live near two other places like this one. I’m surrounded by this now, but I wouldn’t be able to find it back home.
Florida really is a strange place.
#
“Why is it so cold?” I say out loud, to nobody in particular.
“To keep you at the bar.” A large man, wearing a name tag I can barely see, reading Bruno, points at the bartender with his thumb.
The bar is long, and I am the fifth person in the place, including Bruno. The bartender smiles but shows no particular interest. A mental note sanctions that a decent tip is in order. I’ve been with plenty of women in my life, but the bartender is the only person I can focus on.
“How are you, honey?”
“A bud light, please. No lime.”
“Good, because we’re out of lime.”
She stares, waiting for the recognition of the joke. I was late to the party. She turns, grabbing a bottle from the fridge underneath the counter, twists the cap off with a quick snap of the wrist, then places it on the napkin.
“Three dollars.” I place down a five.
The beer is beer, and I stare at the TV, which gives me a good distraction. The one o’ clock games started, so I watch teams that I don’t care for. A score of ten to three isn’t much of a game, especially in the third quarter, but I watch anyway. Anything to take my mind off the middle-age woman, gyrating on the stage in underwear.
“Oh yeah, she’s got a pair on her!” A man to my left yells. He heads to the stage, and leaves tip. He turns to me. “Am I right?”
I smile and nod.
“You can’t get shit like this back in Ohio. What a shit hole, yeah? I bet you the whole state is covered in snow. I’m so glad I’m done with the cold” The man leaves with a laugh, and sits at the stage.
I order another beer.
“Slow down, big guy. You’re going to forget the score to the game.”
I turn to find a half-naked woman sitting next to me, smiling, with a bright white in between red lipstick. She looks at me harder than anybody has in a long time. She actually waits for me to answer. I almost don’t.
“It’s not a game to remember.”
“Are any of them?”
She stands out- different from anybody I’ve met so far. It could just be the lighting, or possibly, this woman is gorgeous. I can’t tell anymore, and I feel my age.
Rosie- my first friend in the state.
Maybe because it’s a red state, the fact that there’s a gun store every half-mile, or maybe it’s the sun-stained skin of the other older folk, but I’m not socializing like I used to. This is how I started hanging out at the strip club.
I spent about an hour talking to Rosie. I didn’t watch her dance or anything, but I paid for three of them. She refused at first, but I was adamant, so she eventually took it. I’ve never paid for attention before. It didn’t make sense at the time, and still it doesn’t make sense now. I try to figure it out on my way to the car.
My phone rings.
“Hey Alvin, what’s going-”
“Pah pah!” My grandson screams into the phone.
“Little Al, how are you?”
“I’m good. Lil’s here.” I hear shuffling over the phone, and soon I hear a little voice.
“Pop Pop! Are you coming next week?”
“Yes, Lily. I’ll be there.” My granddaughter. It turns out that she’s the grandson I’ve always wanted. Not to say that Alvin Jr. can’t be, but he has competition. “How’s the arm looking?”
“It’s good. Dad’s still on the fence about me playing football.”
“I understand. He doesn’t want you beating up on all the other kids.”
“That’s not why, grandpa.”
“That’s what he told me.” I’m still grinning inside of my car, trying not to look at the building in front of me. “Can I talk to your Dad?”
“Sure.”
I wait for my son to pick up, confirming my ride from the airport. The traditional family thanksgiving week is a go.
#
“How are you adjusting?”
We relax in Alvin’s living room. Everything’s so sweet, and it…kind of makes me sick.
“I’ve been good.” I’m sip on eggnog, and enjoy watching the light snow fall in the front yard. I’m glad the snow accents the grey sky. God, I miss it.
“It’s hot. Nice, but hot.”
Alvin puts a random movie on, and watches me look outside. When he realizes that I’m not paying attention, he switches the channel. The TV flips from music channels, to sports, to news, back to sports.
“You can just turn it off.” And he does.
“Tell me about Florida, Dad.”
“It’s hot and- “
“I know, you said that already.”
“Oh.”
“Have you been meeting people?”
“Yeah, I’ve been around.”
I hate everyone- the volunteers to my neighbors. Everything sucks and I hate it. I look around to keep my mind occupied.
“What does that mean, Dad?”
“I’m volunteering. I’m fishing. I’m going to things.”
“And you’re not working, right?”
“I’ve thought about it.”
“Dad- come on.”
“I’m bored.”
It snows a little harder, and we both watch it in silence. Why can’t I just enjoy this?
“I’m sorry, Dad.”
“Don’t be sorry. Stop worrying about your Dad.”
The door pops open.
“Lily, don’t track the boots-” Alvin’s wife, Rene, says, giving up on her command as Lily stomps through the living room. She jumps on my lap to hug me, covered in snow. It’s all over her coat, hat, backpack, and I don’t care. I warm up embracing my granddaughter.
Rene’s icy demeanor melts a little bit. She’s still holding Alvin, Jr. in her arms, but he starts reaching for grandpa too. Her lips and mouth are flat, making me feel like I’m in trouble. It’s going to get worse during the week.
“Pah Pah!” Alvin Jr yells. This finally lets Rene break into a smile. Alvin gets up to relieve Rene, getting Alvin Jr out of her arms.
“I’ll get to see him soon, Al. As soon as Lily cleans up the living room.”
She looks back at the trail of snow she brought in, and starts to clean it up. She takes off her coat, and hangs it in a closet by the front door. Her coming back completes the whole picture of my son’s family, Alvin kissing Rene, catching up on her day. Alvin Jr.’s hugs his dad, and I remember why it feels so good to come here.
#
“Pop Pop! Go long!”
I take my time, stomping around day-old snow, giving Lily some distance to throw. My steps shorten, so I don’t get too far, but right on cue, she launches the football, and it spirals through air. The ball soars towards my back shoulder, and falls into my hands. I look at the ball for a second, emanating pride.
“Pop Pop! I’m open.”
She looks so small in the snow, covered in enough winter gear to explore the Tundra. Her hat looks a little big, and her scarf covers part of her mouth- I’m not sure if she’ll see it coming. I chuck it back, and she squeals in excitement. She flinches, but catches it in her arms. She looks up and smiles, and for a second, she looks like a tiny version of my son.
We head inside, taking out all of our snow-ridden stuff in the foyer, and I can feel the icy stare from the kitchen.
“Lily, come get some hot cocoa to warm you up.”
“Thanks, Mom! I’m coming!”
“Wait, wait, make sure you have all your stuff off.”
“It’s off, Mom.”
Lily sips on her little mug, and sits at the table. Rene doesn’t look anywhere else, so I don’t even try to meet her gaze.
“Coffee’s made.”
“Thanks, Rene.”
I join the table, and Rene serves me my coffee, with sugar and cream. I’d ask for milk, but I know there isn’t any. This cream is the only diary in the house, and they got it for me. I look up to watch Alvin Jr. play with some of his milk-less cereal from his kiddie chair.
“I’m going to go read. Can I bring the hot chocolate to my room?”
“Yes, you may.”
Lily disappears.
“Your little girl has a cannon.”
“Sal, it’s 30 degrees outside.”
“Felt more like 32.”
“What are you doing out there? You’ve could have gotten you and your granddaughter sick.”
The stare lightens, but something tells me she isn’t worried about Lily. I take a sip of my joe, and don’t dwell on it. Football on Thanksgiving has become a tradition with Lily, and the weather won’t ever deter that.
“I wouldn’t let anything happen to her.”
“Fine, but you need to be careful.”
“You think I’m going to slip or something?”
“No, but…isn’t this why you moved to Florida? To get away from the snow?”
Her face softens, and she closes her eyes. She forgot. I try to forget all the time. She folds her arms, and opens her eyes, but she doesn’t look at me.
“Florida’s nice, but it doesn’t have everything.” I look at her now, waiting for her to look back. “It’s the only thing I miss, really.”
I stand, and head to the living room.
“I’m sorry, Sal.”
“At least I got to enjoy the snow.”
“Mommy, where’s Mah Mah?” Alvin Jr asks.
Rene looks at me, then back to Alvin Jr.
“Alvin, we talked about this. Grandma’s gone.” She whispers.
“But what about Pah Pah?”
“He’s dealing with it, sweetie.”
I really wish I was.
I wake up that night looking for her. I can’t find her in Florida. I can’t find her in Cleveland. I can’t find her anywhere. I sit in this empty bed, and wait for her to come out of the bathroom. Any bit of her warmth, her company- anything would do, but I can only find her memories, and they’re cold. Cold and distant.
I can’t see anything. I feel my hands shake, so I force them together. Now it’s my arms, and soon, the convulsions reach my chest. My stomach heaves, and I feel pain. I want this to be a heart attack. I try to make my arm go numb, but instead my face gets wet. I wipe away the tears, but they turn into sobs. I hold my hands against my face, trying to forget.
I can’t do anything but remember she’s gone.
“So when are you coming back?”
I’ve recovered by the next day, and the family watches me depart in the living room. I’m bundled up to handle a storm, hoping it snows again on the back to the airport.
“Probably next year. Make sure you all visit before then. My apartment is too big to not host any guests.”
“Love you, Pop Pop.” Lily hugs me, and soon enough, Alvin Jr wants a hug too. He runs over and wraps around my other leg.
“Bye, Pah Pah.”
“Come on, everybody.” I wave over Alvin and Rene, and soon it becomes a big, group hug. “There it is.”
“Does March sound good, Dad?”
“February, March, April…you guys come as often as you like.”
“We’ll hold you to it.” Rene says, finally smiling at me.
“Good.”
Outside, new snow sprinkles over the old, covering everything in a fresh white. I sit in the car and watch it cover the sky, turning the ugly, grey sky into something pure and relaxing. If I couldn’t see this once a year, at least, I’d probably move back to make sure. I would take some back with me if I could, but it would spoil. As Alvin drives me back, I ride with the windows down, embracing the cold.
#
Rosie smiles at me.
“Couldn’t stay away, huh?”
“Something like that.”
It becomes routine. I don’t go every day, but definitely more than once a week. I learn her work schedule, and I can find her no matter the time of the day. Everything got better after that. The stew at the soup kitchen has more zing to it, and I even started catching fish.
“Any plans for the holiday?”
“I don’t know, maybe working. Maybe a little vacation.” Rose covers herself with her usual shawl. “It depends, maybe I’ll stay home this year.”
“Oh, go see your family.”
“Alright, alright. Geez, I’ll go seen them.” Rose smiles at how serious I got, and it loosens me up.
“Do you have family around here?”
“No, but in Cleveland. My son and his wife. They have a little boy and girl.”
“Sounds lovely.”
“It is.”
She’s young, beautiful, and for some reason, she listens to every word I say. It makes me understand why places like this always exist. I’m surprised people don’t try to sit in here every day. Hell, I can see how I could.
“Are you ever going to let me dance for you?” Roses asks. “While I do enjoy being mysterious, I feel like I have to earn my keep.”
“You do. You are the most attentive person I’ve met.”
“You sure know to flatter a woman.”
We sit in VIP. Today is special, so we moved away from the bar. I didn’t get a bottle, but I had some beers, and she had a few, and we catch up, like we usually do.
“You’re making me lazy around here.”
“How so?”
“I find myself only dancing on the stage. You should have seen me the other night- this kid asked for a dance, and I told him ‘Wouldn’t you rather talk?’”
“I’m sorry, I-”
“Relax, Sal. I have complete control of my actions.” Something shifted- she moves closer to me, and her shawl drops to her hands. She sits on my lap, and wraps her shawl around my head. “See? Complete control.”
“Rosie, I-”
She shushes me, placing her index finger on my lips. Her look, close up, takes my breath. She smiles. It’s genuine, and it confuses me. It felt real. I haven’t seen her do before. Before it was business-like, but now…
“Did you miss me, Sal?” She whispers. My chest tightens, and my fingers grip the seats. “Tell me you miss me.”
I finally let myself enjoy the excitement. I feel her presence, probably for the first time, as she’s on top of me. My hands stay at her hips, but she pushes them down to her cheeks, and she forces my face into her top. I grab harder as she wraps her arms around my head.
“I miss you, Lorie.”
The spell breaks.
Rosie looks at me, asking herself what that name means. Her lips move but nothing is said. A $40 tip appears on the seat next to me, and I stand up. She takes a seat, realizing who that person was. She looks at me, not noticing the money is there. I don’t see Rosie anymore. I turn and there she is, with the grey hair, wrinkles and all, half-naked, with a look of remorse. Still beautiful, like the last time I saw her, at the funeral.
“I’m sorry.” I don’t wait for a response.
The main lounge watches me as I walk out. I don’t know why until the security guard stands in my way.
“Excuse me, sir.”
“Nope. You wait until we see, Rosie.”
“No, he’s okay, Bruno.”
Bruno steps away, and I walk forward.
“Jesus, Sal. Wait.”
I listen for the first time in the last five minutes. I turn and she’s in my arms again, hugging me. I hug her back, holding her so close. I remember Lorie again, and I let go. My hands hide in my pockets, and she looks up at me.
“Merry Christmas, Sal.” She wipes her face, and storms off to the back room.
The lounge carries on, doing whatever they were before we came out. My moment center-stage has ended. I feel sick.
“Must have been a hell of a dance.” Bruno comments.
“It was.”
I disappear outside.
Tuesday- it’s a random Tuesday since I’ve retired. The stew I mix in front of me bubbles. I’m not sure what that means. Maybe it’s too hot, or maybe it should be bubbling. I haven’t received much instruction, but it’s been like that since I got here- not this morning, but since I started volunteering. There’s a smell I don’t quite understand. For some reason, I do the unthinkable and try some.
Whatever flavor was there, it’s gone now, watered down to probably make it more consumable. I put the spoon back down and now see a brown tint in streaks of the pot, and for a moment I realize why the world puts so much sugar in everything.
#
The next day I return not so excited about the move from dishes to serving. It was so blissful and ignorant back there. The stew looks exactly the same, and I wish I was cleaning the empty version of this.“How are you managing up here, Sal?”
The volunteer supervisor, Sally, stands in front of me. She’s probably the same age as me, hair just as grey, but maybe a little younger. I can see the old traces of cute, and she’s in good shape. Still, I hide my disgust, looking up with a smile.
“Things are good.”
“Excellent. You call me if you need anything.”
“Will do.”
She says something over her shoulder as she walks away.
“What was that?”
“Oh.” She turns “I said, ‘Even if you don’t.’ Even if you don’t need anything. I was just joshing.”
“Oh, okay.” I should have left the mystery alone. She winks at me before walking away, hinting that she was not joshing.
#
I spoon some on the tray of the man in front of me, and he gives me a nod when I finish. He’s one of the nice ones, and probably has been homeless for a while. It’s what I’ve picked up over the last two days. The grateful ones know their lives, happy for every meal; while the fresh ones tend to remember their past too fondly, thinking on the meals they use to pay for.
“Bunch of ingrates, am I right?” Sally whispers when the man walks away. “They should be thankful for us- this place.”
“I think they are, but I don’t know-” I lift up a spoonful of the mysterious stew. “I don’t even know what this is.”
“It’s a vegetable soup. Healthy, full of greens and protein.”
“Oh. That’s why it’s green.”
“Yes, that’s why it’s green.”
Staring at it, I look for the courage to taste it again. I don’t find it.
“Have you tried it?”
Sally walks away, looking for something.
“Have you tried any of this before?”
A door closes. I realize that she heard me, and she answered with the door.
My shift ends. I sit in my car, just for a minute, wondering what to do. I could go fishing, like I did on Tuesday. I loved it when I was in Ohio, and with the weather here, it should have been easier to enjoy. Beer has always been a part of the equation, but this time I went from sipping to chugging. I was getting drunk in the ocean by myself. I had to sleep it off before I could go back to shore.
I tried again yesterday without the beer, but that was worse. Driving out, I got obsessed about the music. My phone was full of oldies that…that I didn’t want to listen to anymore. When I finally figured out how to do it, I thought I would be more excited, but I just ended up cruising in silence.
It was just me, the waves, a loud engine that I paid too much money for, and the Gulf of Mexico. The water was a little choppy. I waved to a passing boat, then thought about all the fish I’m not going to catch. Eventually, I stall the engine, and sit there, looking at my new rod. I don’t touch it, blaming the rod for no fish taking the bait. It could be me, adjusting to the salt water. I take out my phone, on an impulse, but it’s too late now. I slide it back in my pocket.
This is where I should toss out the anchor, but I don’t. I just lay down. The boat drifts, my mind doing the same. I wander to the realization that I didn’t put sunscreen on. I totally forget, but I don’t care. I look to the sky, which reflects the endless water surrounding me.
A knock moves me from my maze.
#
Sally stands there. I lower the window.
“Caught you day dreaming, didn’t I?”
“You sure did.”
“So hey, I was thinking, maybe we could hang outside of the soup kitchen.” She waits for a response, but I don’t have one. “Something simple. I can show you around a little bit, maybe introduce you to my bridge class.”
“Oh, I was planning on going fishing today.” Which was true. “But maybe later in the week.”
“That sounds good. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
She waves as I put up the window. I wave back, then turn on the car. I don’t know where to go. Does it matter? It doesn’t matter. The car runs, and I sit there. Home is the answer, but I don’t know. There’s nothing for me there either. I don’t have a plan, so I head to Route 41. Tamiami Trail- the time warp of Fort Myers, sending you past the same plaza, playing reruns over and over again.
In the distance, a giant, neon sign sticks out. It’s the only landmark I’ve found so far, and it tells me that I’m halfway home. I never looked at it as more than a landmark before, but today, it has a bit of appeal. Odd enough, I live near two other places like this one. I’m surrounded by this now, but I wouldn’t be able to find it back home.
Florida really is a strange place.
#
“Why is it so cold?” I say out loud, to nobody in particular.
“To keep you at the bar.” A large man, wearing a name tag I can barely see, reading Bruno, points at the bartender with his thumb.
The bar is long, and I am the fifth person in the place, including Bruno. The bartender smiles but shows no particular interest. A mental note sanctions that a decent tip is in order. I’ve been with plenty of women in my life, but the bartender is the only person I can focus on.
“How are you, honey?”
“A bud light, please. No lime.”
“Good, because we’re out of lime.”
She stares, waiting for the recognition of the joke. I was late to the party. She turns, grabbing a bottle from the fridge underneath the counter, twists the cap off with a quick snap of the wrist, then places it on the napkin.
“Three dollars.” I place down a five.
The beer is beer, and I stare at the TV, which gives me a good distraction. The one o’ clock games started, so I watch teams that I don’t care for. A score of ten to three isn’t much of a game, especially in the third quarter, but I watch anyway. Anything to take my mind off the middle-age woman, gyrating on the stage in underwear.
“Oh yeah, she’s got a pair on her!” A man to my left yells. He heads to the stage, and leaves tip. He turns to me. “Am I right?”
I smile and nod.
“You can’t get shit like this back in Ohio. What a shit hole, yeah? I bet you the whole state is covered in snow. I’m so glad I’m done with the cold” The man leaves with a laugh, and sits at the stage.
I order another beer.
“Slow down, big guy. You’re going to forget the score to the game.”
I turn to find a half-naked woman sitting next to me, smiling, with a bright white in between red lipstick. She looks at me harder than anybody has in a long time. She actually waits for me to answer. I almost don’t.
“It’s not a game to remember.”
“Are any of them?”
She stands out- different from anybody I’ve met so far. It could just be the lighting, or possibly, this woman is gorgeous. I can’t tell anymore, and I feel my age.
Rosie- my first friend in the state.
Maybe because it’s a red state, the fact that there’s a gun store every half-mile, or maybe it’s the sun-stained skin of the other older folk, but I’m not socializing like I used to. This is how I started hanging out at the strip club.
I spent about an hour talking to Rosie. I didn’t watch her dance or anything, but I paid for three of them. She refused at first, but I was adamant, so she eventually took it. I’ve never paid for attention before. It didn’t make sense at the time, and still it doesn’t make sense now. I try to figure it out on my way to the car.
My phone rings.
“Hey Alvin, what’s going-”
“Pah pah!” My grandson screams into the phone.
“Little Al, how are you?”
“I’m good. Lil’s here.” I hear shuffling over the phone, and soon I hear a little voice.
“Pop Pop! Are you coming next week?”
“Yes, Lily. I’ll be there.” My granddaughter. It turns out that she’s the grandson I’ve always wanted. Not to say that Alvin Jr. can’t be, but he has competition. “How’s the arm looking?”
“It’s good. Dad’s still on the fence about me playing football.”
“I understand. He doesn’t want you beating up on all the other kids.”
“That’s not why, grandpa.”
“That’s what he told me.” I’m still grinning inside of my car, trying not to look at the building in front of me. “Can I talk to your Dad?”
“Sure.”
I wait for my son to pick up, confirming my ride from the airport. The traditional family thanksgiving week is a go.
#
“How are you adjusting?”
We relax in Alvin’s living room. Everything’s so sweet, and it…kind of makes me sick.
“I’ve been good.” I’m sip on eggnog, and enjoy watching the light snow fall in the front yard. I’m glad the snow accents the grey sky. God, I miss it.
“It’s hot. Nice, but hot.”
Alvin puts a random movie on, and watches me look outside. When he realizes that I’m not paying attention, he switches the channel. The TV flips from music channels, to sports, to news, back to sports.
“You can just turn it off.” And he does.
“Tell me about Florida, Dad.”
“It’s hot and- “
“I know, you said that already.”
“Oh.”
“Have you been meeting people?”
“Yeah, I’ve been around.”
I hate everyone- the volunteers to my neighbors. Everything sucks and I hate it. I look around to keep my mind occupied.
“What does that mean, Dad?”
“I’m volunteering. I’m fishing. I’m going to things.”
“And you’re not working, right?”
“I’ve thought about it.”
“Dad- come on.”
“I’m bored.”
It snows a little harder, and we both watch it in silence. Why can’t I just enjoy this?
“I’m sorry, Dad.”
“Don’t be sorry. Stop worrying about your Dad.”
The door pops open.
“Lily, don’t track the boots-” Alvin’s wife, Rene, says, giving up on her command as Lily stomps through the living room. She jumps on my lap to hug me, covered in snow. It’s all over her coat, hat, backpack, and I don’t care. I warm up embracing my granddaughter.
Rene’s icy demeanor melts a little bit. She’s still holding Alvin, Jr. in her arms, but he starts reaching for grandpa too. Her lips and mouth are flat, making me feel like I’m in trouble. It’s going to get worse during the week.
“Pah Pah!” Alvin Jr yells. This finally lets Rene break into a smile. Alvin gets up to relieve Rene, getting Alvin Jr out of her arms.
“I’ll get to see him soon, Al. As soon as Lily cleans up the living room.”
She looks back at the trail of snow she brought in, and starts to clean it up. She takes off her coat, and hangs it in a closet by the front door. Her coming back completes the whole picture of my son’s family, Alvin kissing Rene, catching up on her day. Alvin Jr.’s hugs his dad, and I remember why it feels so good to come here.
#
“Pop Pop! Go long!”
I take my time, stomping around day-old snow, giving Lily some distance to throw. My steps shorten, so I don’t get too far, but right on cue, she launches the football, and it spirals through air. The ball soars towards my back shoulder, and falls into my hands. I look at the ball for a second, emanating pride.
“Pop Pop! I’m open.”
She looks so small in the snow, covered in enough winter gear to explore the Tundra. Her hat looks a little big, and her scarf covers part of her mouth- I’m not sure if she’ll see it coming. I chuck it back, and she squeals in excitement. She flinches, but catches it in her arms. She looks up and smiles, and for a second, she looks like a tiny version of my son.
We head inside, taking out all of our snow-ridden stuff in the foyer, and I can feel the icy stare from the kitchen.
“Lily, come get some hot cocoa to warm you up.”
“Thanks, Mom! I’m coming!”
“Wait, wait, make sure you have all your stuff off.”
“It’s off, Mom.”
Lily sips on her little mug, and sits at the table. Rene doesn’t look anywhere else, so I don’t even try to meet her gaze.
“Coffee’s made.”
“Thanks, Rene.”
I join the table, and Rene serves me my coffee, with sugar and cream. I’d ask for milk, but I know there isn’t any. This cream is the only diary in the house, and they got it for me. I look up to watch Alvin Jr. play with some of his milk-less cereal from his kiddie chair.
“I’m going to go read. Can I bring the hot chocolate to my room?”
“Yes, you may.”
Lily disappears.
“Your little girl has a cannon.”
“Sal, it’s 30 degrees outside.”
“Felt more like 32.”
“What are you doing out there? You’ve could have gotten you and your granddaughter sick.”
The stare lightens, but something tells me she isn’t worried about Lily. I take a sip of my joe, and don’t dwell on it. Football on Thanksgiving has become a tradition with Lily, and the weather won’t ever deter that.
“I wouldn’t let anything happen to her.”
“Fine, but you need to be careful.”
“You think I’m going to slip or something?”
“No, but…isn’t this why you moved to Florida? To get away from the snow?”
Her face softens, and she closes her eyes. She forgot. I try to forget all the time. She folds her arms, and opens her eyes, but she doesn’t look at me.
“Florida’s nice, but it doesn’t have everything.” I look at her now, waiting for her to look back. “It’s the only thing I miss, really.”
I stand, and head to the living room.
“I’m sorry, Sal.”
“At least I got to enjoy the snow.”
“Mommy, where’s Mah Mah?” Alvin Jr asks.
Rene looks at me, then back to Alvin Jr.
“Alvin, we talked about this. Grandma’s gone.” She whispers.
“But what about Pah Pah?”
“He’s dealing with it, sweetie.”
I really wish I was.
I wake up that night looking for her. I can’t find her in Florida. I can’t find her in Cleveland. I can’t find her anywhere. I sit in this empty bed, and wait for her to come out of the bathroom. Any bit of her warmth, her company- anything would do, but I can only find her memories, and they’re cold. Cold and distant.
I can’t see anything. I feel my hands shake, so I force them together. Now it’s my arms, and soon, the convulsions reach my chest. My stomach heaves, and I feel pain. I want this to be a heart attack. I try to make my arm go numb, but instead my face gets wet. I wipe away the tears, but they turn into sobs. I hold my hands against my face, trying to forget.
I can’t do anything but remember she’s gone.
“So when are you coming back?”
I’ve recovered by the next day, and the family watches me depart in the living room. I’m bundled up to handle a storm, hoping it snows again on the back to the airport.
“Probably next year. Make sure you all visit before then. My apartment is too big to not host any guests.”
“Love you, Pop Pop.” Lily hugs me, and soon enough, Alvin Jr wants a hug too. He runs over and wraps around my other leg.
“Bye, Pah Pah.”
“Come on, everybody.” I wave over Alvin and Rene, and soon it becomes a big, group hug. “There it is.”
“Does March sound good, Dad?”
“February, March, April…you guys come as often as you like.”
“We’ll hold you to it.” Rene says, finally smiling at me.
“Good.”
Outside, new snow sprinkles over the old, covering everything in a fresh white. I sit in the car and watch it cover the sky, turning the ugly, grey sky into something pure and relaxing. If I couldn’t see this once a year, at least, I’d probably move back to make sure. I would take some back with me if I could, but it would spoil. As Alvin drives me back, I ride with the windows down, embracing the cold.
#
Rosie smiles at me.
“Couldn’t stay away, huh?”
“Something like that.”
It becomes routine. I don’t go every day, but definitely more than once a week. I learn her work schedule, and I can find her no matter the time of the day. Everything got better after that. The stew at the soup kitchen has more zing to it, and I even started catching fish.
“Any plans for the holiday?”
“I don’t know, maybe working. Maybe a little vacation.” Rose covers herself with her usual shawl. “It depends, maybe I’ll stay home this year.”
“Oh, go see your family.”
“Alright, alright. Geez, I’ll go seen them.” Rose smiles at how serious I got, and it loosens me up.
“Do you have family around here?”
“No, but in Cleveland. My son and his wife. They have a little boy and girl.”
“Sounds lovely.”
“It is.”
She’s young, beautiful, and for some reason, she listens to every word I say. It makes me understand why places like this always exist. I’m surprised people don’t try to sit in here every day. Hell, I can see how I could.
“Are you ever going to let me dance for you?” Roses asks. “While I do enjoy being mysterious, I feel like I have to earn my keep.”
“You do. You are the most attentive person I’ve met.”
“You sure know to flatter a woman.”
We sit in VIP. Today is special, so we moved away from the bar. I didn’t get a bottle, but I had some beers, and she had a few, and we catch up, like we usually do.
“You’re making me lazy around here.”
“How so?”
“I find myself only dancing on the stage. You should have seen me the other night- this kid asked for a dance, and I told him ‘Wouldn’t you rather talk?’”
“I’m sorry, I-”
“Relax, Sal. I have complete control of my actions.” Something shifted- she moves closer to me, and her shawl drops to her hands. She sits on my lap, and wraps her shawl around my head. “See? Complete control.”
“Rosie, I-”
She shushes me, placing her index finger on my lips. Her look, close up, takes my breath. She smiles. It’s genuine, and it confuses me. It felt real. I haven’t seen her do before. Before it was business-like, but now…
“Did you miss me, Sal?” She whispers. My chest tightens, and my fingers grip the seats. “Tell me you miss me.”
I finally let myself enjoy the excitement. I feel her presence, probably for the first time, as she’s on top of me. My hands stay at her hips, but she pushes them down to her cheeks, and she forces my face into her top. I grab harder as she wraps her arms around my head.
“I miss you, Lorie.”
The spell breaks.
Rosie looks at me, asking herself what that name means. Her lips move but nothing is said. A $40 tip appears on the seat next to me, and I stand up. She takes a seat, realizing who that person was. She looks at me, not noticing the money is there. I don’t see Rosie anymore. I turn and there she is, with the grey hair, wrinkles and all, half-naked, with a look of remorse. Still beautiful, like the last time I saw her, at the funeral.
“I’m sorry.” I don’t wait for a response.
The main lounge watches me as I walk out. I don’t know why until the security guard stands in my way.
“Excuse me, sir.”
“Nope. You wait until we see, Rosie.”
“No, he’s okay, Bruno.”
Bruno steps away, and I walk forward.
“Jesus, Sal. Wait.”
I listen for the first time in the last five minutes. I turn and she’s in my arms again, hugging me. I hug her back, holding her so close. I remember Lorie again, and I let go. My hands hide in my pockets, and she looks up at me.
“Merry Christmas, Sal.” She wipes her face, and storms off to the back room.
The lounge carries on, doing whatever they were before we came out. My moment center-stage has ended. I feel sick.
“Must have been a hell of a dance.” Bruno comments.
“It was.”
I disappear outside.
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